Special Circumstances
by schumie
Summary: With the jewel completed and wished upon, Kagome and Inuyasha are happier than ever, until everything is taken away. With the loss, Kagome receives the help of someone unexpected-an older brother- acting out of duty. But will it become more than just duty
1. Angelfaced Devils

AN: I know this idea is probably over-used, but I'll see what I can add to it. This is just a short, intro-sort of chapter for you to tell me what you think of the idea. Please let me know if it would be worthwhile. I will probably rewrite it if it is. Thanks.

CHAPTER 1

Angel-faced Devils

Each day was perfect. All of our hard work, the obstacles and injustice dealt us, was finally over. We were mangled, ripped, and torn, and we had survived to throw away our forever changed, old lives and start completely new ones. We were broken and beaten and could not be happier.

I was seventeen and in love. I had been in love for a long time, and finally, for the first time, I could actually love freely, no regrets. And Inuyasha, the object of my love could finally, though maybe not completely free of regrets, love freely also.

Naraku had been destroyed, disappeared from our lives, leaving an empty spot to be filled by the infinite number of small new bits of discovery and happiness to be found in our new lives. It was amazing how our greatest enemy left the greatest hole when he disappeared from our lives. He left an empty space, and he left freedom.

But with our freedom, there was pain, pain for Inuyasha. With Naraku gone, the jewel completed, and wishes fulfilled, there would be no return of Kikyo. We gave her memory a proper burial since there was nothing physical remaining of her, and the place was blessed and a small shrine was dedicated to her. Inuyasha wasn't inconsolable like he had been before. I think it was for the same reason why Kaede was pleased.

"It relieves me to know that she may finally rest in peace." Kaede told me that she and Kikyo, herself, had not believed she was meant to return from death. As much as it hurt him, and affected all of us, Inuyasha was finally free. Kikyo had forgiven him and her soul was at peace, it was time for Inuyasha's to be.

I loved Inuyasha with an interminable love that was a love of the best kind. A kind built on shared experiences and friendship that had somehow grew and blossomed into an unfathomable dependence, desire, and devotion. I loved his unpredictable temper, his gruff way of denying everything gentle, and the way he would hold me so gently when I needed him the most. I gave him everything I had and loved him with all of it.

When it was time for the jewel to be completed and reconstructed, Inuyasha, having realized that humanity was something that was invaluable, not worthless and weak like he had believed before, did the one, most unselfish act possible- gave the jewel to me to wish on and protect. This was the most amazing thing he had ever done. He gave up the wish to become full youkai that he had held all of his life, in order to do what was right and give me my wish along with it.

I wished for one thing and my heart wished for a second thing. The jewel answered both. 

Kohaku was freed from the influence of a tainted shard, and he survived. I had wished for Sango to have her brother back. He would take a while to fully recover since his wounds that were received before Naraku brought him back had reappeared, but he was alive and safe and that was enough for all of us. I would have wished for the return of Shippou's parents, but I believed that they watched over him anyways, and he was doing so well with our group. I selfishly wished him to stay with us. I see now how selfish it was. But Shippou, in his unexplainable young wisdom, forgave me, and I love him.

My second wish wasn't selfish, though it seems so now. It wasn't meant to be. It was wished from my heart and answered accordingly. I believe Midoriko understood what I was feeling and helped me. I'm thankful to her. I wished to be able to stay in the Sengoku Jidai with Inuyasha. I asked to be allowed to see him. I would have been sent straight back to my time and sealed off from the feudal world forever once the jewel had been used, if not for that wish that I subconsciously made. It was answered. A few months later, with the permission of my mother who always supported me and had faith in me to take care of my responsibilities, Inuyasha and I were married. Twice. Once in Sengoku Jidai so that Miroku, Sango, Shippou, Kaede, Kirara, Myouga, Hachi, and Totousai could attend, which they all did. And a second time in modern Tokyo in a small, private wedding performed by Grandpa with Mama, Souta, and Buyo in attendance. 

Both weddings were more than I could have asked for. All of my friends and family that I truly cared about were there. Maybe I was just delusional, but I thought I even glimpses Sesshoumaru in the forest with the little girl, Rin, during a part of the ceremony. Despite their feud, Inuyasha's older brother had come to see him married. It made me very happy and I wondered whether to tell Inuyasha or not. They had cooperated in the last battle with Naraku, then gone separate ways, but it seemed the rift between them had been shrunken. It was truly a wonderful time and the best part was, Inuyasha was as happy as I was. That's all I wanted, for him to be happy.

It was agreed that I should live with Inuyasha on the other side of the well, and I would visit Mama, Grandpa, and Souta as often as I possibly could. I was never happier in my whole life.

Inuyasha, with the help of Miroku and Hachi, built us a wonderful hut that was near Kaede's, but closer to the river, for me.

It wasn't long after that when Miroku proposed to Sango who blushed wildly and nodded happily in agreement. She was the happiest I had ever seen her. She was a beautiful bride and it was a wonderful wedding ceremony with the same friends that had come for Inuyasha and myself. Afterwards, Inuyasha and Hachi helped Miroku build his and Sango's home also very close to Kaede's village, where they set up a demon-exterminating and exorcising business which was very successful. They even called on Inuyasha and myself for help every once in a while.

I slowly found myself slipping happily into the life of a married woman and started multiple gardens, cooked us hot meals every night, often for Miroku and Sango, too, washed clothes, and performed all the homely things. Inuyasha took care of most of the manual labor, without much complaint and he was increasingly more soft and gentle. The small village children begged him to teach them to fight and he groaned and cursed adequately before attempting to teach them how to do an uppercut. There was this shine in his eyes that seemed to soften them and make them livelier at the same time. I found myself falling ridiculously in love with him even more, every day.

There were many nights when we just sat by the fire and talked or held each other in our arms, as if afraid the other might disappear into mist. The shadows would dance on his face making him look handsome, strong, and wiser. He'd turn and smile at me and run a hand through my hair before stooping down to kiss me softly. He'd hold me and whisper soft words or merely rest with me in a comfortable silence until we slipped off into sleep. I loved him more and more with each day.

Four months after we had been married, I found out that I was pregnant. I didn't know how Inuyasha would react, but I couldn't have been more thankful. When I broke the news to him, he told me that he had already known and smiled mischievously, puffing out his chest. He was the proudest father I had ever seen. He would sit there at night and stroke my stomach. I would catch him twitching his ears, trying to detect any sounds the baby might make. I wondered what it would look like. Would it have black hair, or silver? Or maybe gray? My mother was ecstatic.

"Oh, Kagome, I'm very happy for you! I do so hope it has Inuyasha's ears…"

"Mama…"

"Really, Kagome, don't you want your child to be as cute as possible?"

"Of course Momma, but-"

"Ears…" she looked up at me. "Of course I'll love my grandchild no matter what he or she looks like but still-"

"Mama…" I groaned, sounding very like Inuyasha, then we both laughed until our sides hurt.

But it wasn't an easy pregnancy. Because of my miko powers, my body kept attempting to purify itself every once in a while, because of the quarter-demon within it. It was painful, but Inuyasha supported me constantly and helped me any way he could, even if it was just by comforting me.

Though I was having a difficult time, I was, once again, that happiest I had ever been. I was living near all of my friends and married to the person I loved the most in the world, and he loved me back.

It was on a beautiful clear night. The stars were shining beautifully, like fireflies in the deep blue night. No one noticed the clouds that gathered so quickly and strangely. We weren't even given a second of warning before it happened. The whole house was smashed, crushed in less than a second. Inuyasha had leaped up just in time to shield me and jump out through the rubble.

It took a second for the dust to clear and when it did, it gave us no time to spare. Something lashed out at Inuyasha and he was barely able to dodge the fatal attack. That was how it started. I dug through the broken remains of the house and seconds turned to hours as my hands scraped and bled against the wood, searching for my bow and arrows. I found it and strung an arrow taut with sure mind, but wavering hands, aiming at the dark mass that was speeding toward me. My aim was true, but it made no difference. I was a second too late. I saw it happen before my eyes, as I would see it a thousand times more every night in my dreams. A moment too slow, a breath too much, a life too short. When it happened, my world slowed and everything seemed false and fake. The blood, the wounds. My eyes didn't see as I held him. I was vaguely aware of a green light, but took no notice. Somewhere, I was aware of a splitting pain in my stomach, but all I could see was his bloody, broken form in my arms. He could only whisper one word-my name. The world disappeared, Naraku wasn't there, attacking anymore. I realized that it was our blood, mixed. It was just us, Inuyasha and I. I stroked his bruised face and held his head in my lap. All I could tell him was that everything would be alright.

My world stopped with his heart.

Sango and Miroku tried to take me into their home, but I wouldn't let them. I came to dinner in their home, just for their reassurance, but hardly ate. I wasn't hungry. I bathed constantly, and was reminded of the time when Inuyasha wished so desperately to was the blood from his hands. I wanted to desperately to wash away the life.

Our child had been killed. I had been slashed across the stomach, even as Inuyasha protected my life, and the child had died instantly. I would always have a scar that ran across my body, reminding me of my pain and my happiness that would never come again.

Sango and Miroku tried to comfort me, Shippou brought me flowers, but I couldn't smell them. The shikon no tama that had glowed so brightly before grew dim and gray, but I did not matter.

Wash it all away. Wash it all away.

The blood billowed and clouded the blue-brown water, making it a murky rust that grew and grew in the water until it disappeared. The red flowed easily and the pain was the only connection I had to the real world. Even that started to disappear.

I could barely see when the white figure came up to me. I thought it was an angel, but knew I was wrong because no angels would come for me.

The white-clothed devil with an angel's face gazed down at me slowly. Then, making a decision, it picked me up easily in its arms and I felt like I was dying. So light in the air, so dark. The angel gazed down at me blankly and I knew that it was not heaven. Far from it.

"Sesshoumaru…", the whisper escaped my lips and I didn't know if I had said it.

"Foolish." was all he said before my earth darkened and the red pounded at my dreams.


	2. The Ill Humor of Heaven

An: I'm sorry that it's been so long. I was not able to write. I will make up for that, I promise. If you have any questions about vocabulary, tell me and I will start adding in definitions. I think a bit of myself is going into this story now that I couldn't put in it before. Sometimes time is the perfect muse…I hope you enjoy it.

"And I find it kinda funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very, very

Mad world…"

Mad World-Tears For Fears

CHAPTER 2

The Ill Humor of Heaven

I lived the next two days of my life in a dream-like state of mind. Consciousness came and went, flickering in and out like the tuning of a broken radio. My mind was numb and I had the detached feeling as if I were dead and just hadn't left yet. I wished I was. The tuning of a broken radio that only played barely-audible commercials that meant nothing. Every time sleep crept up, the gray shadow seemed to bring the chance of death with it, the chance to leave it all. Leave what, I didn't know. I was only aware of my chest rising up and down because I could see it through half-closed eyes. Nothing else was revealed to me.

I was finally aware of another sensation besides that of sleep when I felt hands on me, perhaps washing my stomach. Funny, I had forgotten about it but thought about what it had meant, the injury, constantly, even in my foggy dreams.

The next time I decided to get up. I wanted the bed to swallow me whole, steal me from the world, but I knew it couldn't. I sat up, pushing back a sheet that had been tucked in around me. White. I stood up, not unstable at all, completely sound on my feet. It occurred to me that I should think that was odd, but it didn't really matter. Didn't make a difference.

The hallways were empty. There were no pictures, I counted only one window. My footsteps did not echo as they should have; they seemed to resonate as if muffled, then die on the still air. The air was cool but not nearly refreshing. I realized I was sweating lightly. I felt sticky and dirty and the urge to wash myself suddenly boiled in my blood. Yes, wash it all away.

There were no voices, or sounds of life, just the hollow shuffling of my feet across the wooden floor. I walked straight until I hit a dead end where hallways split to the left or right and suddenly felt all energy leave me. The question of why I was even walking in the first place arose and prodded the edges of my mind, but I just turned right, taking the closest direction. There were still no windows, but I could see light filtering through the right side of the corridor which was now made only of thick shoji screens. Suddenly I felt an unreasonable anger towards the sun which I knew was shining so brightly outside, and I threw open one of the shoji doors and tore outside, knowing that it would, but only more angered when the light blinded me for those few split seconds.

I crammed by eyes shut, not wanting to let the light in, it would only blind me more, as I faced off my opponent. I raised my right fist and covered my eyes with my left hand and screamed. Against every instinct I screamed with all my might.

"HOW COME?! TELL ME!! GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY!!" I felt something warm on my cheeks. "HUH?! CAN YOU GIVE ME A REASON?!! WHY ARE YOU SMILING LIKE THAT!!" I screamed at the sun. THERE IS NO REASON?!" I felt my face contort under my hands and felt my chest seize up. "WHAT DID WE DO? WHAT DID I DO?" I felt the warm, wet tracks slide from my eyes, under my hands and wondered quietly why my face was leaking. I was breathing slower and harder. "What did I do…?" I whispered quietly into my hands which were covering my entire face now. "There's nothing left for me to protect…"

I took my hands away and dried my face on my kimono. It was different from what I had been wearing before I had fallen asleep. Somehow this seemed completely rational to my irrational mind. Yes, fallen asleep. A sleep I longed for because it would numb the real world, but a sleep that I feared more than anything for it brought the past world. Which was worse, I didn't know.

"Are you done now?" It was the voice of the angelic devil. Smooth and cultured as silk but piercing, low, and cynical as steel. At least that was one thing they did not share in common. His voice had been lively and daring, but his elder brother's had been deep and challenging. I knew what would happen if I looked at him. I would see his younger brother.

"Where am-I guess it doesn't really matter, does it?" I felt myself smile crookedly. "But a good question, I guess, might not be where, but 'why am I here?', don't you think?"

"You show one sign of intelligence."

"I would also guess that you do not plan on telling me why."

"You would guess correctly."

"But what if I were to phrase the question differently?" I could feel myself laugh giddily and wondered what Inuyasha would think if he knew I were having a conversation like this with his hated half brother. I would tell him about it when I got home. He'd probably be very angry. But then I could just threaten to sit him.

"You may ask why not."

"Why not?"

"It doesn't mean I will answer you." he stated as if the very sound of my voice were the most boring thing on earth. I giggled again.

"Why not?"

Though I had made sure I could not see his face nor him see mine, I knew he was sighing.

"Because you are a human wench who belonged to my brother and I have just as many reasons to kill you as I do to keep you from killing yourself."

His words hit me with the force of a freight train and I could feel my self knocked back and pushed down. '…keep you from killing yourself.' I had tried to kill myself? I had tried to kill myself. I tried to kill myself. It was as if I had blocked that fact from my mind. It wasn't true. He was trying to play me. He was deceitful and conniving, I knew that from before as a fact. He had schemed even with the lowest and filthiest-Naraku.

"You're lying to me." In an instant, he had grabbed me and spun me around and both my hands were locked the steel grips of his right hand. A sharp pain flared up both of my arms. I looked, terrified, at my wrists as his grip lessened and allowed me to turn over my hands. I stared, shocked, then felt the oddest sensation rise from my stomach and bubble up my throat. I laughed. And laughed, horribly. I doubled over, clutching my stomach which ached in pain, but kept laughing. The black stitches had winked back at me from the cuts up my forearms as if saying 'Haha, gotcha! You're turn!'

"Yes, this is what you did to yourself. And let me make it perfectly clear that if you are ever to attempt anything like this again while in my care, you will have worse things to worry about than death."

Then I wasn't laughing anymore. My body stilled as I unconsciously turned to stone. For what seemed like an eternity, I wondered how I had become so weak as to take my own life. What was I thinking? Who had I become?

I turned to Sesshoumaru but kept my eyes focused on his armor. I felt an idiocy rise in me and heard myself ask a question I never would have dared in my life.

"Can I stay here a bit longer?"

He said nothing and turned, walking towards the shoji door where I had come from.

"I will have dinner sent to your room," and he left, sliding the door smoothly shut behind him.

I turned from where his figure had been and looked about me. There was a beautiful garden, more lovely than I had ever seen in my life, but there was something wrong with it, utterly wrong, which I could not place my finger on. Still, it was beautiful and so unexpected of Sesshoumaru, that it amazed me even more. I decided to explore it further at a later time and followed Sesshoumaru, the way he had left. As I walked to my room, I wondered aloud.

"What will Inuyasha think of Sesshoumaru's beautiful garden?"

It was not enough that the girl was haunted, but she had unconsciously taken on the task of haunting myself as well. At night as I slept, on the nights I did sleep, my sense of hearing was always acute. It is a simple survival instinct which allows myself to detect any approaching attackers. This is normally not a problem, except for the fact that the girl would not be still. She was continuously thrashing about as she slept, sometimes knocking over a lamp beside her bed or slamming a fist into the floor. It made my ability to sleep near nothing, for though I am usually able to block out whatever sounds I wish, I found myself unable to ignore her flailings. This alone put my nerves on edge. I had been traveling for two weeks without end before finding her and even youkai can not go for three weeks without sleep. It dulls the senses and makes for an easier target.

She took her meals in her bedroom which was, to say the least, perfectly fine with me. She was better left out of my thoughts, than to be a distraction to the list of things that I must achieve daily. Yet, I could not help but wonder about her isolation. Humans had always seemed to be weird creatures to me in that they preferred to be in large groups, yet this girl had isolated herself from the world. I wasn't even sure if she had bathed in the ten days she had been staying in my home.

No noises escaped from her room and I found myself wondering what exactly she could be doing. Much to my chagrin, I found myself pacing before her door at different intervals, reassuring myself that she was not making any further attempts at suicide. There were long intervals where only a muffled sound would escape under the door, and she would not see the servants who brought her meals.

The girl was not well, it did not take a genius to decipher this. From what I had learned of the ridiculous human emotions, I could understand her anger at what had happened. She was undoubtedly still cursing the fates under her breath. Perhaps I could understand that. I myself have been robbed of certain…things in my life, and it is frustrating, though easily seen past, but there was something beyond her anger which sparked like ice-blue fire in her eyes. There was a fogginess that I could barely detect. Something was not the same as the old companion of Inuyasha's. She was lacking something, though I did not yet perceive what it was. Perfect. I had a ghost of a woman whom I did not care for in the beginning, who was even less intriguing than the beginning as she was losing her one or two interesting traits, if there were any.

The fact that I was constantly wondering at what she was doing and why she was behaving as she was annoyed me more than I can possibly describe. The only person who has ever truly worried me has been Rin, and only at dire times. She even escaped my mind every so often. In Inuyasha's mate's case, 'out of sight, out of mind' was so mind-killingly false that I began to harbor an anger towards the girl. Why should I take her in? Why should I take the burden of my half-brother's wrong choices. I did not choose this burden to be placed on myself, yet here I was and I was growing more annoyed with every day that something that I did not even see except once in over a week could have such a negative effect on my mind. She was Inuyasha's choice, not my own.

I would not deal with this any longer. Yes, I had let her stay out of honor, and done what she asked-let her stay-and she was taking advantage of the situation. I did not say she could stay for a month, let along two weeks. The woman was intolerable and knew no decency.

I decided that from then on, if she wished for her meals, she would eat them in the dining room, not what had become the dark hole, I was sure, of her bedroom. If she wished to stay here, she would abide by the same rules and customs as all others in the house did. Yes, I decided, this would do. Why had I not enforced these rules earlier?

As I made my way to her bedroom, which was as far as possible from mine, what with all the rustling about during her sleep, I felt smug for the first time in a week. Kami knows what tricks this woman had been playing on my mind. I would 'explain' the rules of the house to her and tell her to abide by them or abide by my claw, but when I slid opened

her door, I found something that I had not been prepared for. The room, like I had expected for some reason, was completely dark. The two windows that it held were covered by an old yukata and the room was bathed in light that had become shades of gray and black. Lying on the futon that rested on the floor was her figure, wrapped in a folded, wrinkled kimono, her knees held to her chest, was the woman-child who I desperately wished to throttle. And yet, as I approached her, I sensed an aura about her that seemed to radiate something, which I could not decipher. But the fact that it was so strong bent some of my respect to her. Even in her state, she could still exude a comparable amount of power. I was even more amazed at the stark contrast that her pale, ivory skin and dark hair made against the gray of the bed. She seemed surreal and for a moment I thought she had perhaps died in her sleep until I detected her weak breathing.

In a second, my wonder was gone, replaced by my annoyance and anger at the woman and I reached down and pulled her up. Her head jolted up and two dark blue eyes that held raging storms glared up at me. I was almost shocked for a second, but narrowed my eyes at her in turn and let one of my fangs glint in the dark room.

"I will no longer allow you to take advantage of my hospitality. You will no longer take meals in your room, but eat in the dining room, or not eat at all. You will obey the orders that all others in this house must obey. However you were with Inuyasha, you are not an exception or special circumstance here. If you do not wish to follow these rules, the alternative is always an option. I do not believe I need to explain myself. You will also do something useful. Though I am not fond of a learned female, I will not tolerate an ignorant being in this household. So while you are here, you will be taught. Ignorance is not an option." I gazed at her and saw her anger flinch, but then flare up just as strong as her eyes glinted, steel blue.

"And what is Jaken?"

"Jaken is far more accomplished than you will ever be." I turned and left, her eyes burning into my back, closing the door behind me with a finality that even she could not question.

That night, her bothered sleep was worse than the three nights before, combined. It was more difficult than ever to sleep. Even Rin had never slept so unsoundly as this girl.

She did not eat the next day. Her sleep grew even worse. The next day I left, traveling to a meeting of negotiations with one of my feudal lords. The servants reported that she did not leave her room. They also reported that she slept better than she had in a week, though I did not know if they had been awake throughout the night. I did trust that they attempted to follow my orders to listen to the girl, but my servants are all older in years and could easily doze off. When I returned, she had not eaten breakfast that day either. The woman was sure to come looking for food before the day was done. Or perhaps she was attempting to starve herself to death. If that was what she should choose, so be it, I thought darkly. And yet I knew I could not allow her to do so, for I was bound by something she could not persuade me from.

Once again, I found myself infuriated at her ability to put me at such odds with my wishes to merely kill her. She was a pest and an inconvenience that I would happily be rid of. I spent no time getting to her room and tore the door back. I was at her bed in a flash and had her pinned with one hand by the neck, being that I was an arm short. I would take care of that tomorrow. My claws dug into her flesh and I let the slightest bit of poison leak out, so that red burn marks began to spread where my fingertips were.

"I have told you before that you will not attempt to kill yourself while under my eye, wench! If you wish to die so badly, I will gladly kill you, then resurrect you so that that I may kill you again and again. Do you wish that?" I spat out acidly. The low growling in my voice shocked me momentarily, but only momentarily. She gazed at me with dark, hardened eyes.

I constricted my grasp on her neck even further. "Well?"

She glared at me for a moment then reluctantly shook her head.

"Good. You will eat tonight with Rin, Jaken and Myself. If you do not come, I will see just how many times Tenseiga will let me resurrect you before I kill you for good." With that, I let go of her neck and left the dark room, sliding the door so that there was no mistaking it was closed.

In the garden I suddenly wondered what had come over me. Why did she infuriate me so? This girl, this woman, this….what was her name? Something pretty and strong and ridiculous…started with a 'K'. No matter, that was not the point. I, Sesshoumaru am the last youkai to easily be angered, and yet this girl…Katsuko?…could make my very blood boil in just seconds of thinking about her. Perhaps it was just because I did not ask for her to be placed on my hands. I would have taken Inuyasha's sword gladly before, but to take his…_mate_…now was not only preposterous, but insane. And she believed the fates were cruel to her? She had no concept.

She came to dinner. Albeit, late, but she came. It seems even a girl as unstable and stubborn as she cannot refuse a starving stomach. She came in her rumpled kimono which had not changed from our earlier encounter. Her hair, though thick and dark, was an absolute mess and hung about her everywhere. Her face was pale and gaunt and the dark circles around her eyes made her look like a skeleton. Her now light blue eyes shone dully from the middle of the shadows as she kneeled and crawled into the room, forgetting to close the shoji screen behind her. I did not wish to inflame another debate at the moment, so said nothing about it. A headache had been resting at my temples for almost the whole day and I was not in a particular mood for anything bothersome.

As soon as she took her place at the table, Rin began blurting out questions.

"Hello, pretty lady! I'm Rin! This is Sesshoumaru-sama and the stinky toad is Jaken-sama! He eats flies!"

"I most definitely do not!" Came the croak from his mouth which barely reached over the table.

"What's your name?" Rin twittered like an annoying baby bird, but I had grown accustomed to this. In addition, I would learn the girl's name without having to ask her myself. That is, if the girl answered Rin. To my surprise, the girl turned to Rin and I could see that her eyes had lit up.

"I'm Kagome. It's very nice to meet you, Rin-chan."

"Wow, Kagome-one-san! You have pretty eyes! Can I have pretty eyes like you?"

I watched, mildly interested as the girl showed the fist smile I had ever seen in my whole experience with her.

"We'll see. Oh, you can just call me Kagome, Rin-chan."

"OK, but the you have to call me just Rin."

"Ok. How old are you, Rin?"

Rin thought for a moment, then turned to me for help. I had never given the subject thought before. Obviously she wished to know now, so I used prior knowledge to approximate.

"She is roughly eight or nine in human years. Eat before the food is spoiled." Rin nodded enthusiastically and even the Kagome-girl seemed to eye the food with a want that was being tested. Finally, seeing as how everyone else busied themselves with food except for myself, she helped herself to rice and soup and some dried salmon that the servants had prepared. She said nothing else throughout the meal unless it was to answer one of Rin's questions. It was easy to see the difference in her when she ate quietly and talked to Rin. Her eyes became a softer, clearer blue when she conversed with Rin, then clouded over as she returned to her meal. Obviously the girl just had a liking for children, what with the kitsune that was always hanging on her, but that did not quite explain her behavior. But what did it matter?

When they were finished, Kagome and Rin said goodnight to each other. Rin asked if Kagome would read her a story, but Kagome declined, promising to on another night. Rin was already yawning as I instructed Jaken to take her to bed, at which he crinkled his already appalling nose, but obliged.

That left the girl and myself. I wondered silently if she would make the first strike or say anything at all. I waited in silence for quite some time, but she just stared at her hands.

After sitting quietly, staring at my hands for no less than five minutes, I made to get up from the table and go to my room, Sesshoumaru's eyes burning into my back. He must have thought I was crazy. Only earlier that day did I realize that I had been talking to Inuyasha. Inuyasha obviously wasn't there. Rin had helped wake me from my psychotic escapade, although I somewhat wished it still continued. It was nice and dulling for me to be able to imagine what he was doing or thinking and what he would say when I got home. I wondered if I was going crazy. And I thought about Rin and Shippou and Souta and…. No, I couldn't think about that. Not yet. It would drive me insane like I had been earlier. Insanity seemed to come to me in waves and go just the same. One minute I would see Inuyasha smirking in front of me, the next, realize I was talking to an old haori that had been thrown out of a chest, onto my bed in my insanity. I did not know what was better-to be completely insane, or to be slightly sane still and discover that you were going insane.

"Jaken will start teaching you, along with Rin, tomorrow afternoon. You will learn how to read. I can not stand women, let alone idiotic ones." he gazed at me piercingly and I turned back to him, anger suddenly flowing through my veins.

"I know how to read very well, thank you." I bit out as coldly as I could.

"It would not be obvious by observing your state of intellect from the outside." The words were sharp, but I was already hurt enough. He apparently didn't know that.

"While we're naming faults, with your social capabilities, it would seem you had never met a single living creature other than yourself." He sneered and his gaze hardened like golden ice.

"You are one to speak of social capabilities, arguing with myself who has taken your pathetic, human self in."

"I admit that I am not perfect temperamentally, I admit it, but if you weren't so impossible, half of our problems would never have happened in the first place."

"What are you aiming for, woman. What do you want known?" he sneered at me as if I were requesting him to kindly not kill a murderous wolf. Quite suddenly I seemed to lose steam and my body slacked. My eyes grew strained and a tiredness appeared that I had conquered for those few moments when I was angry. I looked down and saw that my skin paled visibly.

"I can read, and am educated beyond what you would ever expect," I stated simply, no rebelliousness in my voice left for me to scrounge up.

"If you are capable of reading, why didn't you accept Rin's request and read to her from a book," he snapped lowly.

"For one, do you read her a book every time she asks? Didn't think so. Two, the girl hardly knows me, what if I scare her? Three, every time I look at her it reminds me of what I could have-"

She stopped and blanched white. Her eyes darkened and she gazed at something that I knew only she could see. I could see that her body trembled slightly. Perhaps she had not been getting rest, just as I had not. Maybe she did not toss so much in her sleep, but out of it.

But she had made an awful mistake. In her eyes and my own, she had made herself vulnerable with her last words. Her whole body had weakened. I forced her to sit down at her spot and rest on the table. Her body was breaking down by the moment. I called for some tea and for one of the servants to see that a bath was readied if needed. After a moment, she grabbed my right arm and said one word.

"No."

The woman was stubborn and minded her pride more than her health condition. She grabbed my other arm and pulled herself up to a standing position. Her body still shook slightly, but was calming slowly. She glanced for a moment at my left arm, her expression completely devoid of surprise or wonder, and walked out of the room, supposedly to the isolation and darkness of her room. I did not follow her.

She didn't eat for two days. I had Jaken check that she had not died, but he reported that the "miserable human wench" was merely sleeping. On the third day, I decided that if the woman wished to kill herself, that was her choice and I could not be held responsible. I would not interfere as I had done before. As Jaken had said, she had become a miserable girl. If she wished to end that, I would not stop her.

When I heard the shoji door slide back, I knew who it was immediately, but was slightly intrigued to know why she had not died yet. She stepped into the garden and I knew that she had not seen me yet due to the blinding sun. She squinted her eyes and blinked slowly. She didn't turn away as I suspected she would when she saw me. Instead, she walked towards me and stood beside me, next to the koi pond which was near the center of the garden. For a long time, she said nothing.

"I want to apologize," she said slowly. The words were even and precise, but held a hidden instability in them that echoed like a shadow. I said nothing, knowing that if there was more she wished to say, she would.

"I know that I have been taking advantage of your hospitality and I'm very sorry for that. But I'd also like to thank you. Somehow, being here, away from my friends has given me an opportunity to deal with my problems. Which, as you probably guessed have been pretty…well, psychotic. It's not easy for me to say this, but I'm becoming weak. I'm not as strong as I was when I was with Inuyasha, and sometimes…I see him. Thank you for indirectly offering a place for me to work things out. I'm still a little crazy, but you probably think I've always been crazy, not that you know me much. Which makes me wonder why exactly you helped me." I was amazed that she was able to talk to freely and with such coherence after she had literally been talking to herself days before. Perhaps this was just a human thing.

"Is it not enough that I did so? Now I must explain myself to you?"

"No, of course not." she look at the ground and studied one particularly large fish in the pond. "I should be thankful that you just did. I'm sorry. How can I repay you?" She looked up at me, her liquid blue eyes sad, yet holding an amazing seriousness in them which I had not seen before. "I'm in your debt."

"If I had known you would make such a deal of it, I would have left you to die." I said, it coming out harsher than I had intended. But she merely looked at me again and smiled so slightly that I could almost not detect it. I wondered how on earth human emotions could change so quickly. She sighed and bowed slightly to me, her hand clutching the injury on her stomach I noticed, and left, most likely in search for food.

I wondered if her sanity would go just as quickly as it had come back.


	3. Fishbowl Prison

" 'We live, as we dream-alone… ' "

-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

CHAPTER 3

Fishbowl Prison

It was strange, how nothing seemed to matter quite as much as it used to. I found myself thinking 'What's the point? It will all leave eventually'. As young and stupid as it seemed, this thought continued through my head like it might through a lost girl in her teen years who was trying to find out where she belonged and felt that the end of the world was near. But really, that was not much less than what I was after all, wasn't it?

Then I wondered at how I had changed. I wasn't oblivious; I saw the change, and I chose to change. I didn't like what I was becoming, but it was less painful than remaining as I had been before. I numbed myself, and for a while, it worked.

"Kagome? Kagome?" A young voice penetrated my thoughts groggily. I looked up and smiled at the small girl who's hair was littered with small white flowers that I had helped her arrange. Flowers that I could have put in my child's hair.

"I'm sorry, Rin. What is it?"

"Are you OK? You look sad."

"I'm fine, Rin, but thank you for worrying."

"Sure!" the girl smiled then spotted a rarer flower and trudged off towards it.

"I'm a danger, here. To her, to everyone," I said softly to the figure which I knew stood behind me. Despite my rather…shabby condition, I could still detect youki as well as any other miko, and Sesshoumaru was not an exception.

"You're a danger, wherever you are," he stated, matter-of-factly.

"Naraku will come for the jewel."

"You need not concern yourself on that matter."

"What…" I turned to him and he sighed and explained slowly, eyes constantly watching Rin with a look of concealed intent that I should not have thought Sesshoumaru to ever be capable of. Was he happy with his adopted child? Did he, the cold, calculated killer deserve one when I was robbed of my own? Perhaps not, perhaps so.

"The night that you were attacked Inuyasha was injured and died."

Though this was only a statement of the obvious, I listened to his words and they struck me with a jolt, so painfully, as if hearing Sesshoumaru say them was the final thing that insured they were real, and that it had not been some sick, tiring dream. His words made everything final. I suddenly felt sick as my stomach twisted itself inside me.

"Yes," was all I could manage.

"You were unprepared to battle and were attending to Inuyasha. You forgot, or perhaps just didn't care, about the danger that still remained. Naraku attacked once again and I defeated him while he was focused on you."

The words were heavy and hit me with a bruising weight.

"Naraku's dead?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure? Positive?"

"As much as I may be," he said, apparently growing bored of the topic.

"I can't believe it." I whispered slowly. "He's finally gone forever." Along with Inuyasha. For some reason, it seemed as if Naraku's death left a gaping hole in my life. One of the only reasons for continuing was gone. Naraku had represented the evil that had kept me going, striving to conquer and outwit it, outlive it. It was as if, with my most hated enemy's death, I lost purpose. What use is a savior if there is nothing to be saved from? Inuyasha was dead. Sango, Miroku, and Shippou had new lives of their own. The reasons were all but gone.

"You killed him?" I asked quietly. I knew I would annoy him if I kept pressing, but I wanted the most confirmation I could receive. I didn't want, could not handle, another surprise return of the vile creature and potential loss of something else important to me.

"Again, yes. He is no longer. How many more times must I repeat that."

"Then you were there, that night."

"Only momentarily." he said curtly, as if I were accusing him of something, of a crime that had been committed . I gazed down at my feet which were hidden beneath my kimono, but did not see them. And then I realized that inside, my mind was leading me somewhere. I was accusing Sesshoumaru. I was accusing him of a horrid crime. Inside, I discovered that he was just as guilty as Naraku. If he had been there after Inuyasha had been injured and was there long enough to kill Naraku…

Sesshoumaru was looking at me, a strange look in his eyes, one that I had never seen before. Was it anger, pity, annoyance, or regret? Whatever it may have been, it was uncommon and indecipherable. I looked up at him, questioning written in my eyes, my mind blank, yet working frantically.

"Woman, that is not to be taken lightly. And I was not there-" I cut him off with my gaze. I just looked at him, feeling, amazingly, what I was feeling, I didn't know. I nodded once.

I knew in an instant that after the minute of processing what I had said, she would realize it. This human, though impossibly lost, was sharp and I did not put it past her to fill in the blanks. I knew that she would realize what could have been and it would hit her like a tempest. She would be angry, infuriated at me and question 'why, why?', and for once, I would not really have a true, complete answer. I never take actions that are not thought-out or have no reason. Maybe in the heat of the moment I had forgotten what I, myself, could do, but that was unlikely. Maybe I had already decided that Inuyasha would eventually die defending his human woman, as our father had and it was useless postponing that fact. Maybe I just truly didn't care what happened to him. But I can not say that I would purposefully wish a gruesome death upon my half brother, especially after it seemed we had reached a kind of twisted, unspoken pact. We would fight, yes, but there was no meaning. And, in the past, I would have thought it only my privilege to end his life and no other's. Perhaps if I had known the details that I knew later, I would have acted differently that night.

It's conceivable that Kagome understood this, contrary to what I had thought. Instead of an inflamed passion of anger rising in her eyes, she looked at me with eyes that were no longer empty, but lost in a world much larger than themselves. She nodded and then she did the last thing I had expected her to do. She raised her head and looked straight at me, blue locked on gold, and her lips parted so slightly and the breath left them in a whisper that was barely audible even to my ears.

"Thank you." She muttered the words softly and I thought for an instant that it had not been her who had said it, but the wind. She shifted slightly, her kimono swishing in the breeze and left me to sit with Rin.

I am not one to be taken off guard, so I was not shocked at her reaction, merely interested in how I could have read her so wrongly. Perhaps all of the fire the girl had possessed on our previous encounters had left for good? The girl intrigued me. One day, I would be able to read her like a book, the next, be amazed at how different and fickle she could be with her thinking and emotions. This Kagome was like an unpredictable bomb that could go off at any moment and kill hundreds or save them.

She came to meals regularly the next two days, though she ate little. She was filling out slowly once again but had lost much weight and strength during her days of fasting. She was still unnaturally skinny and fragile to the first glance. Her kimono hung on her as if draped on a child and it struck me that perhaps that's what she really was, just a child who had lost someone close to her, lost her guidance temporarily, and was teetering on the edge as most human children do. It was ridiculous, the human mind. Set up for failure and grief. I could not imagine how they had survived as long as they had, seeing as they had a habit of killing their own selves, directly or indirectly, physically or mentally. I am thankful I am not as weak as that.

But, despite her weakness, she seemed determined to hold a self-conscious attitude of strength while around me. The mask fell when she played with Rin, but if I encountered her alone, she seemed stand taller and work harder. It made me smirk whenever I turned away from her. It was like having my own kabuki performers to act before me every day. I was pleased that she was more en guard while around me. It also informed me of her intelligence.

Yet, while attempting to maintain her independent and determined nature, she seemed to become more pliant and agreeable. When I had first brought her to my home, she had refused to look me in the eye, but was slowly advancing to full conversations. I wondered if she forgot her grief so soon. Humans are always dwelling on things it seems.

The woman child had taken over the garden. Normally, the garden is my sanctuary and I am not pleased to have others in it besides Rin, but it kept her silent and seemingly farther away from the bouts of suicidal tendencies. Not to mention that the gardener was growing old and feeble and she really was not all that horrible at it. The maples and pines looked healthier, so I let her continue with her whims. She seemed less argumentative when she was occupied, anyways.

Every day these past seven, she would play with Rin in the garden. She smiled and humored the child, telling her stories and details about different plants and herbs. I allowed it for I thought it good that Rin learn some of the uses of different roots and such things. Not only that, but Rin was aggravating Jaken to the point where I thought he would commit suicide. Yes, let her play with that Kagome. Though, I made sure to stay cautious when they did. Though I was certain that Kagome would not attempt to harm Rin, whenever she smiled at the girl, her eyes saw past her. They were unseeing eyes that only held the past.

It was nearly dusk one night when Kagome came to me. She knocked quietly and came in after I gave consent. I had been writing a response to a demon lord in the South. Annoying creature, he is.

"Sesshoumaru."

I put down my quill and rolled up the piece of parchment.

"And what is important enough to draw you out of the cave which is your room?"

I hid a small smirk at her obviously indignant expression.

"I know that for the past…oh, I've lost track of time…you have, whether indirectly or unhappily, taken care of me. You have provided food and shelter and company. It has been the perfect break from the real world, which I needed badly."

I wondered slightly if she thought my life a fantasy land. Was my reality so different from the rest of the world?

"So I would like to thank you for what you have done, even if just for tolerating me, which I know is not simple most of the time."

"You have not said anything that I was not aware of as of yet."

"Yes, I know." She sighed, whether from annoyance of exasperation, I do not know. "The thing is, no matter how I try to cover it up by planting in the garden or playing with Rin, I can't forget him. He's always there, in the back of my mind, eating away at it and the very second that I am not occupied, my thoughts are filled with him and…" She looked straight at me, a feeling I could not name on her face. "I want to thank you for everything and go back to the village by Inuyasha's forest. The only thing I can do is face my fears and anxieties and hope that they might die down. You understand, don't you?"

For a long moment, I thought hard about what she was saying. It was true that possibly the only way for her to overcome her sorrow was to face it, but I had the obligation of insuring her health and well-being. She was supposed to be under my care. It was not something she nor I had chosen, but it was true. But then, she could never be fully healthy again if she could not lesson the human burden on her conscious. Fighting what I should know to be the reasonable answer, a nodded curtly. She smiled wryly.

"However. Seeing as how you have been in my care for this length of time, I would be quite annoyed and inconvenienced if you were to die." Then I did something I had not expected myself to ever do. I reached into a chest and removed a wooden box. From the box, I drew the rusty Tetsusaiga from a read cloth and held it out to her. Her eyes grew wide and could see her wonder at how I had gotten it, and why I was giving it to her. She did not seem upset, though.

"When you have overcome your…weakness…bring this back to me. I will wait for its return."

She took the sword gingerly as if it were a treasured item of prophecy that told of death and gazed back at me. I found it odd that though she was gazing straight at me, her eyes were partially hidden. Her hair had grown and hung heavier, I noted absently. She smiled slightly, bowed, and left the study.

I arranged for Jaken to take her back to the part of Musashi's domain I had brought her from. I was occupied elsewhere. When I got back, she was gone along with Jaken and Ah-Un. But my mind was not on her, but what I should do about her. It was an irritating subject and I pushed it aside.

It had escaped my mind to tell Rin that she was gone. I had wished to place the woman far from my thoughts until absolutely necessary, but that was soon destroyed when Rin came inquiring about the whereabouts of her "Kagome-neechan". I cringed then explained to her that the woman had gone elsewhere and may not return for a time. For an instant, but only an instant, I almost felt unsure when I saw that look cross Rin's face. Her expression had changed from one of curiosity to poorly-hidden disappointment. I wondered momentarily if I should have let the woman go, then decided that Rin should not become dependent on others. It was not a strong trait. I told her to go bother Jaken only to chastise myself for my carelessness. Of course, Jaken was gone also, along with the beast Ah-Un who Rin also cared for. They would return, but as it were at that moment, there were no others for Rin to occupy herself. This should be no problem for the girl, she is happy picking flowers on her own, but I would not allow that. I turned from my work which I had been postponing anyways and walked towards the garden, Rin in tow. Who knew that merely sending the woman away would prove such a hassle?

I clutched Tetsusaiga tightly to my chest as if it would protect me merely by being there. I knew I could not transform it, and it was nearly worthless so why could I not release it? He had held it. He had used it, cherished it, fought for it, and so it was important. So important.

Why had Sesshoumaru given it back to me? Perhaps give was not the right word, seeing as how he had asked for it back even though it wasn't his to begin with. But then again, now that Inuyasha was gone, it only seemed fair that it be passed to him. But, why not to me? After all, he was my husband. We were family. But the question of why Sesshoumaru would lend it to me still rose. He knew it would not transform for me, yet he gave it as a means of protection. It made no sense.

The toad-thing Jaken did not speak and I was content with gazing at the forest beneath us. At one time, the dragon I was riding on would have made me faint, in some other, far away life. Now, I marveled at its strength and gripped its sides.

When we landed I got off silently and the dragon began to leave when I called out to Jaken.

"Tell Rin I'm sorry."

Jaken huffed but nodded shortly and I turned to walk down the path I knew so well. The path that had changed my life. And changed it again and again.

It was only when I saw Miroku, Sango, and Shippou that I realized why Sesshoumaru had given me Tetsusaiga.

They ran to me and each hugged me tightly, taking turns. Only when I was wrapped in the arms of Sango did the tears start to come, and they would not stop. They were silent, but streamed down my face furiously. I could taste them on my lips and feel them dripping on Sango's clothes. She hugged me tight for a long time then stroked my hair and whispered only so that I could hear.

"I know. It's going to be OK, Kagome. I know. Everything will be alright, I promise."

In my mind I was thinking of the absurdities of her words. How would she know everything was going to be alright. She hadn't lost Inuyasha. But somehow, her insane words, perhaps she knew they were insane, comforted me and I hugged her tighter. Then I realized that she did understand. She had lost her whole family until recently when her brother was brought back to her. She had been trapped and tricked and played like a puppet. Yes, we were different people and had lost different people, but it did not matter. She understood. And together, we shared our pain quietly.

Somehow, just being with them made everything seem lighter, but it also brought back torrents of pain. Shippou was ecstatic to see me. Kaede was relieved and cheery. Miroku was supportive and charming. Then , finally, after settling down and heading back to Kaede's hut, the question came of what exactly had happened. They wanted to know everything. And I knew deep inside that they also wanted to know what had happened exactly that night. I was unable to talk about it before, and I knew they would not push me, but I drew Tetsusaiga to my chest, hugging it, and understood Sesshoumaru's reasoning, even if it had not been the reasoning that he had intended. Tetsusaiga could not physically protect or save me now, but it brought back my memories of Inuyasha and everything myself and my friends had survived through, together, and that brought a strength that I could not see and a support that I could not feel, for it grew slowly inside me. I calmed myself and, thanking Sesshoumaru, slowly let the past events unfold before us all.

I hadn't realized how strange, sad, and ridiculous it had all been until I heard the words describing the events rattle and fall out of my mouth clumsily, broken. Everyone listened patiently, trying to understand and support. When I was done, they all nodded and hugged me, telling me again how glad they were that I was back. And yet, I saw the questioning in their eyes, the unspoken wonder, barely recognizable underneath the sadness and help that they wished to provide. I didn't tell them why I did not come back sooner. I had told them I was not captive at Sesshoumaru's home, but I had not explained why I chose to stay there. I couldn't explain it to them-how I needed a rest from everything, including my dearest friends. I could not tell them that the impersonality between Sesshoumaru and myself, the not knowing each other's past, was comforting. I also did not tell them how Sesshoumaru had found me. I did not know if they knew, but it was something that I just couldn't talk about. But, I would try to help them with the other question.

"I don't know why Sesshoumaru came to get me. Or why he took me to his home."

Sango looked at me and nodded and turned to ask Kaede if she knew why. Miroku sat silent as Kaede said she could remember something, but only tiny pieces which she could not string together. The matter was left at that and with the fire still burning, we all fell asleep on the floor of Kaede's hut.

It was three days after my return that I gathered enough courage to go to present day Tokyo and tell my family what had happened. I dreaded it because it would mean I would have to live through telling a story that made my heart empty once again.

Through some miracle, Grandpa, Mama, and Souta were all there when I got to the shrine. Mama immediately knew something was wrong. She gazed at me with questioning eyes, but waited until Grandpa and Souta had gone to bed after dinner. She stood, washing dishes, handing them to me to dry.

"Kagome-"

"He's dead. Inuyasha's dead." There was a deafening shatter as a platter hit the kitchen floor. I squeezed my eyes tight.

"Oh, Kagome!" She grabbed me and hugged me tightly, her hand stroking my hair. We stood like that for what seemed like an eternity, one that I didn't want to end. When the warmth stopped trickling down my cheeks and the hiccupping slowed down, she pulled back and looked at me tenderly.

"How? No, not now, tell me when you're ready." I smiled sadly at her. Only Mama could understand like that. I hugged her tightly.

"That's not all, Mama. It was taken, too."

"What do you mean, Kagome?" Mama stepped back and watched as I lifted up my clothing to reveal the long scar that ran across my stomach. She gasped, understanding fully what had happened.

"Oh, Kagome, dear. Kagome."

Mama took it badly. I think partially because she had wanted grandchildren so bad, but also because she knew how much pain I had gone and was going through. She had lost my father. But Mama wasn't alone-she had Grandpa, Souta, and myself. But then, I wasn't really alone, either. So why did it feel like it?

Mama said she would tell Souta and Grandpa herself if I wished. I was thankful that, once again, she understood. Although, there was one thing that she said which made me hurt, because I didn't want to believe it.

"Once you have mourned and shed your tears, you must be strong, Kagome. Life is not meaningful if it is only full of misery. You have to make your misery lead somewhere. It will take a long time, Kagome. I know how much you loved him, but you must always remember this-Inuyasha would have wanted you to go on and most importantly, he would have wanted you to be happy. You have to realize this eventually, but for now, you must cope with the sadness and I know these words will mean nothing. Just be strong, Kagome, like the daughter I know."

Mama was right and wrong. I knew Inuyasha would want me to be happy, but Inuyasha was what made me happy. I knew that I must be strong, but it was so, so hard. Sometimes, it felt like it just grew harder and harder and would never stop. I missed him with all my being. My heart and body ached for his smile, his presence. I had to be strong, so why did I feel so weak? Mama whispered into my ear that if I did not feel weak, I would not be human. My sadness and weakened state were just a sign of how much I loved Inuyasha and I should take that knowledge and use it to continue. And I knew she was right. Mama was always right.

Mama insisted that I see a doctor about the old wound on my stomach, which didn't make sense since it had already healed, but I did it just to make her happy. I stayed at home for a week, but began to feel anxious. Home would always feel like home, but I no longer had my school and friends in modern Tokyo. I thought about just staying with Mama and Souta and Grandpa, but in the end, it didn't seem right. I would continue the life that Inuyasha and I had set up for myself and mourn his death, but live in our memories. I had to go back to the Sengoku Jidai. Somehow, I knew that my future was held in the past.

When I returned to Kaede's village, Sango asked if I would like to live with her and Miroku. I gratefully declined the offer, knowing how much Miroku valued alone time. Besides, my sadness should not interrupt their happiness. I wouldn't wish that upon them, ever. With Miroku's and one or two of the village peoples' help, my and Inuyasha's house had been reconstructed during my absences and Sango had kept it clean and tidy. I was more thankful than they would ever know and I could tell by the smiles on their faces that they were pleased with my gratitude. Shippou practically lived with me, just like old times. He wouldn't let me out of his sight for less than five minutes. Sadly, I wondered if he thought I would leave him like Inuyasha did. I knew that, despite how they fought, Inuyasha had been a father figure to the small kitsune. I was not the only one who had received a great loss. This disturbed and comforted me.

Sango insisted that I help her and Miroku in their demon extermination, but I reclined the offer. I chose instead to read or work in the small garden Shippou and I planted, not unlike the one outside of Kaede's hut. I bathed everyday, never quite feeling clean. I would wake up in the middle of the night with warm streaks on my cheeks and wrists that were red and raw. During the day, I occupied myself however I could if my eyes were too tired of books, or if I finished early in the garden. Kaede taught me how to make a miko's robes and I soon had one of my own, though there was no use for it. Every night, I would tuck in the sleeping Shippou, into my old, comfy sleeping bag that had gone through so much. I would stay awake and sit on the front of the hut and look up at the stars. Vaguely, I remembered looking up at such night skies with Inuyasha and wondered if anywhere, where he was and if he could see me. Would he be smiling?

I thought I was getting better; I could go longer without hour-long bouts of sadness, as I busied myself more. But, one night my entire sleep was pervaded with the repeating dream of Inuyasha's death. I didn't realize what this had done to me until Shippou came up to me while I was gardening.

"Kagome-okasan, who're you talking to?" He looked at me worriedly and I stared at him for a minute, wondering what he was talking about then was struck with realization. I shook my head and muttered "Nobody, Shippou-chan! I was just singing to myself!", with a happy smile, but on the inside I felt scared. I didn't want to lose myself again. Not like before. That night, I held Tetsusaiga close to my chest and fell into a dreamless sleep.

The next day, Sango and Miroku asked me once again if I would like to help them exterminate a demon. I replied that I did not wish to, but then they looked at each other. I wondered if Shippou had told them what had happened the day before. Were they worried about my sanity?

"Kagome, we have something to tell you." Sango said slowly. I feared what words would come from her lips. "You see, well, I'm pregnant." A huge smile crossed her face, a grin spread across Miroku's, and I beamed at both of them. I hugged Sango tight, careful to mind her stomach.

"That's so wonderful!! I shouted happily and hugged her again. "Miroku, you pervert!" I hugged him too. "Congratulations." I smiled and nodded at them, thinking of how fine of a family they would make. I wondered if the baby would be a perv or a princess.

"Well, Kagome-chan.", Miroku cleared his throat. "Being as we will need a bit of extra help, we decided to ask you again if you wished to aid us in exterminating demons. Would you-"

"Of course, I'd be glad." I smiled and hugged them again.

It was only in my own home that night, gazing up at the stars, that I wondered why everyone else was allowed such happiness when mine had been taking so suddenly and cruelly from me. Sango and Miroku could have a child. Of course, I had Shippou, and now he meant everything in the world to me, but he was not my own, was not even human, and he would outgrow and outlive his adopted human mother. I couldn't help but feel that I was useless to him except for right at that moment. He would leave me and I would have nothing. I was happy, no, overjoyed, for Sango and Miroku, but in a dark corner of my mind, I wondered 'why them and not me', then shoved the thought as far away as I could.

Sango was growing, you could see it, if only barely. I had been helping them with their profession for a while, and had to admit that it took my mind of everything, the heat of battle. In my self-made robes and clutching my bow, I stood by their side, protecting Sango, though she still hardly needed it. Her movements had only slowed slightly, but otherwise, she was still the hard fighter.

After defeating the demon, we made camp near a river that was outside of the village we had been hired at. Sango and Miroku sat around the fire, Shippou cuddled up next to Kirara who sat near Sango, more protective than ever. Armed with my bow and arrows, Tetsusaiga strapped around my waist, I set off for a walk to the river. The woods were quiet and still which I found that odd, but these woods were different than those of Inuyasha's forest. I tread quietly and gazed up through the canopy of the trees. The rich greens of the trees scattered throughout the forests that had once been so breathtaking and so majestic now just seemed ancient and secretive. They seemed to whisper of how they would last forever and how a human was not even a tick on the watch of time. They spoke silently of bad omens, death, defeat of a person so easily broken as me. I paid them no attention, but could not stop my ears and block out what they confided, schemed.

I began to feel ill and the river was not looking as inviting, so I turned around to head back to camp only to find an angel standing behind me. I blinked once. Anyone could have mistaken him for an angel, the way the light was filtering through the leaves and glowing about his white-clad form. Anyone slightly loose that is. I mentally punished myself for being tricked by light in a land where youkai and dark priestesses could not surprise or outwit me.

We stood there for far too long a period of time just to be standing there. He was making me edgy.

"Hello, Sesshoumaru. What brings the mighty lord to these parts?" He was silent for so long that I thought he would not answer me or that perhaps he was a cardboard cutout, just like everyone else, that would tip over softly when I touched it. Then he spoke, a calm, but not calculated, cool tone that made me at ease and put me on edge at the same time.

"You are nearly in the territory that I preside and watch over. Inuyasha will have his forest, and I will have mine. I was merely on a routine check", he said without barely making an attempt. Every movement was easy, precise, smooth. He was perfectly fit for the killing machine which he most likely was, though other imperfections weighed quite heavily enough to counterbalance this. There was almost a fake quality about him, I thought silently. He was sincere, but a lie. Is that possible? I saw that Sesshoumaru was different from what he appeared, I could sense a different, real him, but what that real him was, I did not know and did not know if I would like to know it.

"OK, then. I'm going to go back to my friends then. Good luck….patrolling….", I said with a small wave, smile absent. I adjusted my quiver of arrows and doubled back the way I had come when he appeared in front of me, blocking my way only slightly, still I heard him out. I waited for him to speak, looking into his eyes that were so like Inuyasha's but so different. And waited.

"Listen. I'd love to have a staring contest for the rest of the day, but I have to get back, they'll worry." I sad softly, trying to maintain my patience. He just stood there for another minute but finally looked down at me pointedly.

"You have yet to return Tetsusaiga to me." He said quietly, his gaze frozen, warm liquid gold. Beautiful eyes, they both had, but Inuyasha had never looked at me like this.

"I wasn't ready to. You didn't say when, so I was planning on returning it after we were done with this trip. Plus, it was Inuyasha's. Why do you have it anyway? He was my husband," I said, growing more and more impatient. "I'll give it back to you , but, reasonably, you should have to ask me for it." I was growing angry and I didn't know why. The only feeling I had felt since Inuyasha's death was grief. Perhaps it had all gathered and now I was trying to take it out on Sesshoumaru?

To my astonishment, Sesshoumaru rubbed the bridge of his nose and I could almost hear him sigh. I had to admit, I was surprised. He almost seemed…tired.

"Rin will not stop her bothering or persistence until she sees you again. It's inconceivably distracting."

Ah, the truth came out. With the mention of Rin, my whole body seemed to ease. I took a deep breath, remembering the cute bobbing ponytail and the big, bright eyes.

"Alright, then. I'll come visit her. When does she want to see me?" I could finish this extermination job then take a bit of a trip. It would help keep my mind off things. Yes, it would be a great help and a welcome escape.

"I quote her words- " 'right now' ," he stated, apparently thoroughly annoyed. It seemed that even the mighty Sesshoumaru built of stone could not refuse his ward. I was a bit shocked, but somehow not as much as I should have been. My mind searched for reason, a plan that would not anger a youkai lord, but allow me to help my friends.

"I can't right now, Sesshoumaru. I have to help my friends-uh, with a job." I caught myself before letting the information that I was slaying demons slip, though I doubted he would care. I felt my mood slipping and began to feel angry for an unknown reason. In my head I argued that I could not be on call to his every whim. But it wasn't his whim, was it? How could I refuse Rin. Like this, that's how.

"Sorry, but I have other things to tend to that a bit more…needy at this moment. They require my attention." I looked him straight in the eye while saying this and I think for a moment he was slightly shifted out of his completely stone makeup. But I was mistaken, if only slightly.

"You are merely exterminating demons with your companions, demons I might add, that belong to my kind. Should you be pleased if I were to journey and kill random humans that caused me trouble? I should think not. But, I care not what you do. I merely require your presence so that I may rid myself of an unimaginable headache. You were to return anyways."

"Yes, you're right, but I can't just abandon my friends right here, right now," I attempted to reason to him, thought I could not look him in the eye. I started to feel a small pain in my stomach when I looked at the color of his eyes and silver hair.

"I will allow you to inform them of where you are going if you are quick," he said, annoyance ringing in the tone of his voice. Was he bargaining with me?

"Look, that is kind of you, but the answer is no. After we're done with our trip I will come and play with Rin all she likes. I have to go now." I turned after waving goodbye to him and left, heading back into the darkening woods which I noticed were slightly quieter than usual.

I, Sesshoumaru, had been refused. I am not a youkai of such an ego that this thoroughly irked me, and yet it was an odd feeling. I had even made the order in a form of a request. Never would I make that mistake again. I was never refused. She had turned her back on me also, after refusing me-a dangerous and further degrading action, though I was sure she was not aware of it. I should have killed her, but for numerous reasons I didn't. Rin was growing impatient without the 'new blood' she had tasted and it had been more than a moon's cycle and the Kagome girl hadn't returned. I knew she would take her precious time, but that was disrespectful and daring. And there was the fact that she was duty and it was simple to watch something which you could not see. She would not refuse my request.

The group was eating their dinner-some soggy, yellow substance in a bowl, and talking softly when I approached, hidden in the shadows, undetectable.

"Sesshoumaru?" It was her voice, that Kagome, who had sensed me first when none should have been able to. I had masked my youki to all. I stepped from the edge of the forest, into the glaring firelight, scanning the forms of the three humans and two small youkai.

"Ah, Sesshoumaru-sama," Miroku bowed his head slightly. "we have not been in your presence for quite some time now. Do you bring news?"

I looked at the houshi, pinning him with my eyes. There was something hidden and sly about this man that I did not like, though he seemed to emanate only a positive energy. I knew from experience that he was no threat unless the hole in his hand was opened. I looked at all of them for a moment, then fixed my gaze on Kagome.

"I require your companion's presence regarding a number of certain problems."

It was the woman taijiya's turn to speak now. I did not know her name, but I could sense that she was with child and knew that the cat demon belonged to her.

"With all due respect, we need Kagome right now, and, well, you're not someone I would let Kagome go with without a thought. You helped us destroy Naraku, but you also schemed with him from what I heard. We'd prefer to not loan our friend out to someone like us." Kagome looked at her friends, slightly amazed. No doubt the woman was more protective being that she was with child.

"I told you, Sesshoumaru. I'll come as soon as I can. You will just have to do with that," Kagome stated, standing up to her full height which was still pathetically small in comparison to my own. The steely look in her eyes, however, was formidable and I questioned where she got her strength from-maybe some untapped source. However, her little feat was beaten with the rising of the houshi. He walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Kagome, if it is an important matter, Sango and I will be fine without you for one time; we were for quite a while, after all. We are able to watch after ourselves. Go ahead." He turned then to me and looked me straight in the face pointedly. "Assuming Sesshoumaru promises that you will not be hurt in any way and will return to us how you left."

"But-" Kagome argued strenuously.

"How about this Sesshoumaru, we'll turn her over to you as long as she comes back unharmed in any way, and you do not leave until tomorrow comes. Last time she was taken for quite a while. We'd like one more night with her."

So it was that I found a tall tree and sat down beneath it to wait the night out. The companions talked of indistinct, unimportant matters and smiled too much for my liking, but I sat silently, watching the forest when the humans had fallen asleep.

Kagome was sleeping with the kitsune in some odd form of blanket and the others were resting as well when I sensed a presence I did most wish not to meet. I moved from my spot beneath the tree. I debated whether to wake the woman or leave her be. I decided on leaving her, knowing that she would cause a debacle if she were awake when we left. The sun's rays were just peaking over the horizon. It was morning I noted, never one to go back on my word. I picked up the woman in the strange sleeping device and took to the sky, a feat only made more taxing by the absence of my left arm, for which I thanked Inuyasha. However, I am not one to be deterred by such small obstacles and I was gone into the night, hoping to reach my home before encountering those I would rather not deal with. The woman alone would be problem enough when she woke.

Halfway to my home, my thoughts settled and I realized that not only had I brought Kagome, but also that runt of a kitsune who had rolled to the bottom of the blanket-like contraption the woman was sleeping in. I gazed at it and saw that the little brat was nestled at the bottom, between Kagome's feet, sleeping on as if it was quite natural. I berated myself for not recognizing this sooner and debated whether I should just drop the fox brat and continue on with Kagome. Reason, however, thought better of it. The woman would already be in a right mood when she discovered I had taken her from her friends before she could explain. The knowledge that I had thrown out the kitsune would only worsen her state. I left the fur ball cuddled at Kagome's feet, invisible to all. The woman herself had hardly stirred except for the slight parting of her lips from time to time as she breathed. She slept like the dead and I wondered how she had not been killed by nearly any demon that could raise a claw. And from my knowledge, Inuyasha, being only half demon, also slept during the night. How any of their pathetic little group had lived this long, I could not imagine. Perhaps it was a good idea that I come to retrieve her. One more night with that hanyou runt and she was nearly as good as dead.

For the first time, I actually turned my attention fully upon the woman. True, she was pretty in a wild, foreign way, with her black waves, sun-touched but fragile skin, and small but strong body, but she was nothing extraordinary. I could, however, see how a base animal like Inuyasha could find her attractive, but I could not see the resemblance between her and the dead priestess that Inuyasha had first courted. I had heard quite a time before that this Kagome girl was the supposed reincarnation of that Kikyo, though the similarities that seemed so obvious to others did not show themselves to me. The Kikyo woman had been sure of herself, unwavering, and for all appearances, empty. She was more respectable, yet only Inuyasha could find something worth loving in her. This Kagome was completely different in many aspects. She was unsteady, strong-willed, disrespectful, and, heaven forbid, lively. I had kept tabs from time to time on the excursions and happenings within Inuyasha's group, maintaining that nothing got out of hand, and most likely knew more than they had all thought I knew. I wondered how Kagome had taken her being compared to a creature that was so different than she.

I looked down at her form once again, her face and shoulders the only truly visible thing to me, as her body was wrapped in that blanket. I was suddenly taken by the stark contrast, the very juxtaposition this small woman posed. In the hours of the day I had seen her after Inuyasha's death, she had been unresponsive, unmoving, unseeing of the world around her. I had read this in the way she moved, talked, and held herself. Yet, while she slept, her body was eased and her frown loosened until she was only still. Still and clear, like a book that had been cleaned of years of dust that weighed it down. She was silent, her body relaxed, her face calm. She looked astoundingly peaceful. Then all at once, her brow furrowed, her head tossed and she gritted her teeth, whispering words that could not be heard, biting on her lip. She had evolved sickly from a state of calmness to one of pain within seconds as she fought away whatever it was she saw as she slept.

She was alone in her idiotic grief and it was her own personal prison, hers alone. I wondered if she was prisoner in the cage because she could not escape, was not allowed to, or if she was prisoner in the cage she had built because she would not have it any other way. Deep inside of her, did she wish for this torment? Was she punishing herself? But most importantly, did she know she wished for it, needed to punish herself? Perhaps I was reading too deeply into a simple human feeling of loss. Perhaps I was giving her too much depth and a meaning that she could not hold. She was, after all, just a human woman.

"…We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

Year after year…"

-Wish you were here, Pink Floyd


End file.
